SHANE’S WORLD #3

So last week saw me pen a slight itinerary about a few things that I learnt whilst I was in the German capital, Berlin. I mentioned how vast the city was and how everyone should refrain from loitering around Dynamo FC games in fear of being bludgeoned in the rear by a fleshy bratwurst.

Anal sex euphemisms aside, Berlin was actually an astounding city that is rich in history, culture and cocktails.

Here are a few other pointers for your consideration if and when you fancy a European vacation.

1. The majority of German words sound like swear words. Granted this doesn’t uniquely apply to Berlin but if you’re as immature as me when it comes to innuendos and toilet humour then seeing signage displaying words like ‘Kunterbunt’ and ‘Ausfahrt’ then I feel it is my duty to titter ever so slightly. It’s the same as when I’ve been to bingo and without fail I snigger amidst my Betty Boo blotter each and every time the bellower calls out 6 and 9, 69. I’m such a dich.

2. Lesbians still wear blazers, T.shirts with accompanying slouchly hung ties. They’re STILL channelling Avril Lavigne circa the Mall ‘riot’ in the ‘Complicated’ video. Pink and black stripy fingerless gloves and waistcoats are all still pretty evident within the walls of Berlins nightlife. (Emily) Strange.

3. No-one in Berlin ventures out to clubs before 1am. Us British are so premature in comparison. I was dumbfounded when on arrival around 11.30pm to our chosen location, the place was barren. Previously during the day I overheard people suggesting to one another that they would see one another later “about 2am..!” Now exsqueeze the living daylights out of me if I’m mistaken by by 2am I’m usually en-route home with a box of cheesy chips and a can of cherry coke. Clubs often begin to get bustling’ around 2am and stay open until 7am. Needless to say that Berroca and under-eye botox are the countries biggest vices.

4. Whilst leaping like a gazelle with the ‘nightlife’ theme, It would be rude of me not to mention just how much the citizens of Berlin still really get a massive wide-on over Shakira songs. ‘Whenever Wherever’, ‘Loco’ and ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ serenaded the crowd and sent them into a Colombian frenzy as though they were shaking off a dictatorship. AHA and Sean Paul were runner-up favourites.

5. Everyone must visit Tacheles. Built as a department store in the Jewish quarter of Berlin, the construction acted as a Nazi prison for a short while, it was later partially demolished. After the Berlin Wall had come down, it was taken over by artists who have since created a community within the site to house their collections. Huge, colourful graffiti-style murals are painted on the exterior walls, and modern art sculptures are featured inside. This place was a highlight for me. It made me feel both uneasy and inspired at the same time. I bought a piece of art that featured a cat pummelling itself in the poon with a make-shift TV tower. Gonna refrain from talking about Zyklon B.

Mostly been listening to: ‘Waste’ – Foster The People.

Mostly been watching: Mysterious Skin.

Mostly been reading: ‘How The Dead Live’ – Will Self.