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Idiot Feature: Beardless Brad Still Embarrasses

Wednesday 17 October 2012

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Words Amy Lavelle

In a surprising turn of events, Brad Pitt managed to simultaneously mortally embarrass himself and turn off men, women and (educated guess, here) Clooney alike in one fell swoop. The surprising part is that he did so without one of those mangy, is-it-a-dead-cat-is-it-actually-his-facial-hair beards he so loves to sport that, at best, looks like something lost hikers would wander into Never To Be Seen Again, save for, perhaps, some ‘found footage’ of their overactive nasal glands, lodged next to leftovers of every meal Pitt consumed since the Growth took over; at worst, like he’d been attacked in the face by a roving merkin that had disastrously dislodged from its intended recipient and latched on.

Ok, so there’s the goatee, but we’ll let that one slide.

That’s right, the YouTube viewing world cringed as one on Monday following the grand unveiling of Brad’s Chanel No. 5 debut. Now, we here at Spindle have a fairly high threshold for the inane and vacuous (hello my entire body of work) but even we were surprised at the vehemence of our mutual repugnance following a viewing of said advert. Colour us optimistic, but we were hoping Pitt would take his parfumic cues from the master and go down the Marilyn Monroe route, rolling around on a dishevelled set of sheets, with nothing but the suggestion of a dab of No. 5 behind each ear and an artfully placed bottle (or George Clooney; whichever). Instead, we were greeted by Brad fully dressed? practically unheard of in the man in a perfume ad world? looking terribly undone in a (oh God is that cheesecloth?) shirt, replete with untidy mop of hair (other opinions flying around the Spindle office today including that he looks like a farmer and his hair ‘is an insult to cheese strings’), all the while studiously avoiding looking into the camera, via much eye rolling back into the sockets, whilst spouting inane comments about journeys, but not actual journeys, because it’s…“Inévitable.” Yes, they went there with the inflection.

Really, there hasn’t been a Pitt performance this disappointing since his impromptu appearance on the set of Friends. (Was he lost?)

And speaking of Friends, who remembers the one where Joey did the advert for and in lipstick? No? Fear not: you haven’t missed much as this came towards the end of that esteemed show’s run, where Joey inexplicably metamorphosed from being “pretty but dumb,” or “pretty dumb,” into someone who actually suffered from some fairly debilitating mental deficiencies, to the point where laughing was crossing a line into the realms of the un PC and seriously not cool, man.

Regardless, a recap: Joey was wooed into donning light blue lippy by the ever persuasive arguments (surely the pillars ‘pon which many an actor’s career will, at some point, rest) that it paid a lot and would only ever be airing in Japan. We can only hope that it was in a similar, if mistaken, belief that Brad signed the waiver in the first place, perhaps distracted by the urgings of the director to (and again, educated guess here), “Roll your eyes more! Brad, honey, give me pensive; give me philosophical; give me your cat/beard just died/was shorn off and you’re on so much morphine you’re barely conscious. Oh heck, just start saying random words!” Otherwise, we fear that not even copious re-watchings of Snatch, Fight Club and Thelma and Louse will be able to redeem this fallen idol in our eyes.

Quite frankly, the only positive outcome we can see to this whole shebang is that it if anything is going to make Angelina cross her legs (and honestly, we were beginning to wonder) this will be it.