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Idiot Features: Chantelle’s Twitter Frenzy Over Alex Reid’s Sex Dungeons

Wednesday 31 October 2012
Words Amy Lavelle

Mon Dieu! Sacrebleu! Voulez vous coucher avec moi! And thus ends our French. We’re fuzzy on the exact meanings of the above phrases, but are pretty sure they all translate into the same thing: namely, have you seen (and here we drop our voices into a conspiratorial whisper) those tweets?

Alors, pardon us, we’re all a twitter after the latest grievous scandal in the world of the Z-list celebrité ? a world in which we don’t mind admitting that we occasionally draw some pleasure in immersing ourselves in; not often, mind, for we’re far too highbrow and secretly slightly worried about the cooties rubbing off. This, though, was one of those instances when we were wrenched off our lofty pedestals and forced to take note.

For the sake of argument, let’s pretend for a second that you didn’t spend yesterday afternoon, mouth agape, frantically refreshing your browser on Chantelle Houghton’s Twitter feed. Forgive our patronising tone; we know you did really, for you’re all social media savants and hip to the latest happenings, but we need to cover all our bases lest you actually had better things to do with your time than trouble yourselves with such goings on. Now granted, at the best of times, we have only the most fleeting of knowledge of who Chantelle Houghton actually is, but after researching the matter, we’re pretty sure we can say with some authority that she was that fake celebrity on Celebrity Big Brother that time, who then cannily (or romantically, whichever) prolonged her 15 minutes by dating other semi-famous people. Her latest, ahem, ‘conquest’ being some chap who refers to himself as the Reidinator, dances in cages (or fights in them, who can be sure?), has a tendency to cross dress and assume an alter ego named Roxanne and ultimately looks like he’s been carved out of a piece of wood.

With the baser details of the context thus established, things took a turn for the interesting yesterday when Ms Houghton, with all the fury and ignominy of a woman scorned, took to Twitter. Not since we got drunk and did so ourselves has that phrase sounded quite so ominous. There then ensued an outpouring of vitriol and public airing of dirty laundry of the grandest proportions as Houghton accused Reid of conducting orgies with prostitutes, meeting men as Roxanne ? not just a publicity stunt, after all ? and turning her flat into a ‘sex dungeon’, all while she was eight months pregnant. Scandalous, non? We’ve not enjoyed such condensed brilliance of post reality TV stars’ gaffs since Derren Brown’s subject on Apocalypse refuted claims that he’s an actor with the winning argument: “I have not been in a noodle ad.” You can’t make these things up.

Prior to this outburst, Lee from Blue’s Twitter page was our go-to rainy day feed and that was before his own public rant. We’re pleased to see that Lee has found profundity in the aftermath and is now to be counted on for such words of wisdom as, “Life really is crazy, one minute you think you got it then suddenly you don’t! But then round the corner comes something better.. Life? Wow.” Wow indeed. (We hope that Lee is able to derive some comfort from his fans’ feedback, including @Sexpot_Sharon’s equally sage advice: “youv still got a massiv cock tho babes xx [sic]”.)

But we digress and now must turn our attention back to our original point, which was that, somewhere in the world, Alex Reid has a sex dungeon.

Oh my, we’ve come over all sordid.