Idiot Features: Simon’s Latest Scandals

What’s that we hear? That dastardly Simon Cowell has been up to some wily old tricks? We’re shocked. If the rumours that abound are to be believed ? and we do so, unreservedly ?   it’s been a busy week for the Svengali, who has been accused by that yappy little Irish fellow of sabotaging the chances of some X Factor pups who supposedly threaten the position of Cowell’s wunderkinds, One Direction (lending an unnecessary weight to that other rumour he so loves to propagate: namely that there’s any genuine talent still to be found on that show).

Nor is that the end of his allegedly conniving ways, as Cowell also stands accused of underpinning the piece of wallpaper that used to be in a 90’s boy band and is now another X Factor judge, by buttering up Nicole Scherzinger. Granted, those with less savoury minds than ours might point out that Cowell may have other reasons for wanting to get on Scherzinger’s good side, but we choose not to listen to such things, or anything else that interferes with our belief that Cowell is in fact a eunuch (the things we tell ourselves to allow us to sleep, eh?). To be fair to Cowell, it may just be that he forgot Barlow was there; we imagine it’s easily done and in fact enjoy doing so regularly ourselves.

Really, what this episode truly serves to highlight though is that, despite all that goat sacrificing to the telly gods we’ve been doing, reality television refuses to die. Further proof came last week when Made In Chelsea returned to our screens: a show that exists solely to validate the existence of the inbred, recently setting the record for the number of times nasal socialites can bray ‘bro’ in an hour long episode. We will refrain from commenting on other highlights, including mention of ‘polar bear nests’ and manicures that match miniature dogs; one shouldn’t laugh at the truly thick-witted, it’s unkind, which incidentally takes away any conceivable viewing pleasure to be derived from TOWIE, unless you’re up for a rousing game of ‘Guess the STI’.

Nope, much like the thrush that, we assume, thrives among the cast members, reality TV programmes show no sign of shoving off just yet. This was confirmed by E4 who, in their on-going attempt to fill the hole left by Friends reruns, announced a new show, The Work Experience, which follows real interns being strung along by fake bosses. Previews suggest highlights include interns holding apart a superior’s legs in the back of a taxi and someone getting drunk and chundering over a dress. We’re sure we don’t know what all the fuss is about; sounds like a standard day in the office to us.