First, drink the vodka like it’s about to run out ? it invariably is. Two, there will always be the promise of canapés, you must not let yourself be fooled. Three, one of our number is in possession of a grammatically incorrect jumper that will drive me to utter, apoplectic distraction should I be allowed to study it for too long. Finally, four (and don’t fret if the other three seemed a little cryptic, for it’s this one that is most applicable to today’s article and thus important), always trust in Our Good Lady Editor (unless she’s having a gin moment, in which case just nod and smile at whatever she’s saying and then go about your business as usual) for she is most wise in matters that may at first elude our comprehension, but will ultimately work out in unforeseen ways to the good of all. Thus, when at our last Spindle meeting, she clutched at me and exclaimed, “Duct tape!” I discreetly checked her breath and then went along with it. If O.G.L.E. says duct tape, duct tape it is.
Now, for all you less fashion savvy mortals, whose interests and occupations lie outside of the industry and who may not be au fait with the more obscure examples of sartorial brilliance (don’t worry, you’re not alone in this; our very own Canadian correspondent’s working wardrobe rarely extends past questionable pants stained with Dorito powder and a trail of crumbs and he ended up editing this magazine in various capacities for God knows how long and remains, to this day, an integral part of the editorial team), fear not: help is at hand. I am here to gently take your arm and guide you through the complexities of this admittedly tricky trend and make sure you emerge victorious and chic; this won’t be anything like that time you tried to pass off your t-bars as mary-janes. So, without further ado, let me walk you through the acceptable uses of duct tape so you too can incorporate it into your wardrobes this season.
1. Metallics. Saying fashion is cyclical is like saying the earth is. (I’m choosing to ignore the fact that the earth is in fact spherical because 1. I never liked maths and 2. I like to be able to bend or utterly ignore logic at times in order to prove a point.) Right now, metallics are in but, instead of immediately rushing out to spend your hard earned wages on an entire new wardrobe, which will earn you style brownie points today but tomorrow will have random passers-by asking you when you plan to return to your home planet (note: be wary of the metallic hat, it can result in a similar effect; see generic crazy woman in any American film, who carts her belongings about in a trolley and wears a colander on her head), simply invest in a roll of duct tape ? many come in a most fetching shade of silver ? and get sprucing up your once staid garments. When this trend moves on, simply remove tape and as you were.
2. Bling. I’m sure many of you gals have attentive beaus who shower you in tokens of their affections in their attempts to woo your heart. I, on the other hand, do not, so must get creative when it comes to accessorising. Tip: painted macaroni also makes for the most fetching attire, but that’s another article for another day (oh God, I hope it’s not).
3. Mary-janes. I bring this up tentatively, as I know full well how hot your cheeks must burn at the mere mention of that time you so misguidedly attempted to redeem your faux pas in turning up in the wrong season’s shoe (namely, the t-bar instead of the mary-jane), which saw you first awkwardly attempting to cover foot with shuffling foot, then ultimately left you with your emergency nail scissors in the bathroom, hacking away at that bedratted piece of leather, to the detriment of both your shoes and your sanity. Far be it for me to evoke such painful memories (again). Never again, dear friend, as a simple line of tightly folded tape will forever solve this issue. Simply stick on and then, when the season changes, remove. One shoe (if you can conceive of such a thing); minimal fuss.
4. Shape wear. Spanx. Pantyhose (never been entirely sure what they actually are but the name suggests they are the domain of overbearing, matronly German women). The control pant. All sound like they bear some association with dodgy sex acts; all are in fact related to girth, come in some hideous shade of lycra and invariably see you making sounds like a birthing fisherwoman every time you attempt to get them on or off. Trinny and Susannah got in on the action with the control thong (the logistics of which too hideous to contemplate); even Gok Wan’s there with his ‘Pull Me In Pants’ ? incidentally also possibly the last piece of attire I would consider donning come the apocalypse and everything bar Colleen Rooney’s wardrobe being on fire (a highly unlikely outcome, hers is probably more flammable than 1970’s carpet). Let me assure you, the last thing I want when cramming myself into restrictive underwear is to hear Gok Wan’s nasal voice banging on about ‘bootylicious’ empowered women, while praising my ‘melons’ (Gok has no concept of breasts outside of the food industry, apparently). Ladies, fret no more. A masterful taping up will suck you in and have you celebrating the body-con in no time. Don’t expect to pee at any point when embracing this use though, so let Spindle rule number one pass you by: this does not apply to you today, most brave fashion observer.
5. The at-home wax. See above, then consider the removal of. Yep: ouch.
Image: Sarah Ferrari