News of our favourite bands of the ’90s ripping off their Nando’s aprons for a gig brought about a drug rush with an immediate comedown.
“OH NO WHAT IF THEY ALL LOOK GROSS”
“WHAT IF B*WITCHED DON’T LOOK RIGHT IN DOUBLE DENIM NO MORE”
“DO I ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR SONGS?”
“DID I EVER LIKE KERRY KATONA?”
A lot to ponder on, but as the intro exclaimed, ‘for one night only, they’re back’. Yes, we’re being threatened by an out of date pop invasion.
Look at this GIF of Destiny’s Child at the Superbowl, with Kelly Rowland popping out of the floor like an action figure; can you hear the invisible sound of a Nintendo game in the background? Thought ya’did. This ‘one night only’ premise has a Sega Megadrive wrestling game written all over it. THE DOUBLE DENIM DESTROYER VS THE LEATHER TRENCH LOTHARIOS. In a twisted Neil Gaiman world, maybe it’s One Direction at the hands of the games controls, using these rusty popstars as pets.
So this review focuses on 5ive, ‘the bad boys of pop’, the ‘high octane brand of ballsy boy pop’. Oh, we even get ‘the pop premier league’ PR’d our way. Was it just me, or were these ‘bad boys’ simply into slamdunking, chilling out at sugary sweet Playboy mansion pool parties with a curfew, and wearing Dad’s oversized leather trench jackets to mimic Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer? My Nan has more edge to her. If anything, 5ive resembled a ‘rock chick’ fancy dress night in your local Wetherspoons.
Turns out the 5ive story had a harrowing backbone to it though, full of deceit, depression, horse tranquilizers, and a cardboard cut out.
“We would have ended up killing each other”, the hard as nails Abz tells us. STREWTH! Anything Abz says is gold dust to me though, like I’ve just been introduced to a revolutionary religion. He could potentially be the Hackney Gandhi at this rate.
Apparently on stage they “were the best out there, like Beatles pandemonium – but off stage, a trainwreck.” Right…pretty sure you didn’t hit those heights, but again, Abz said that, and whatever Abz says goes. It just does.
They opened the Brits one year, looking like a bunch of angry lesbians from the Camden underworld. But “WE PERFORMED WITH QUEEN!” – slow down there boys, you might need to retract those exclamation marks a tad… yes, Queen are all things historic and iconic, but without Freddie Mercury, call me old fashioned, but it’s just a man with a guitar and Bette Middler’s hairdo, and the guy on the drums could easily fit into the living room scene of an episode of Fraser, eyeing up Daphne as she pretends to do the housework but pockets Niles’ watch. Only The Spice Girls can stand by how iconic their Brits performance was, and that’s because Mel B was wearing a pair of practical glasses on stage. 5ive can not have a similar claim to this; it was Dad and Son having a garage jam.
BUT BACK TO THE BEDLAM.
Scott’s voice immediately terrifies me, like Danny Dyer’s younger brother who acts like a 70 year old geezer from the pub of no return. Then there was Sean, who you can’t help but look at as the face of a job seekers regular…or the face of a job seekers campaign. Which means that in theory, even if he’s a working poster boy actor, he still looks unemployed. Poor thing. But any bad word to say about him is met with a hit of guilt after hearing of the brotherhood that went bad.
They colour Jay with grainy footage, like a Louis Theroux documentary where he visits a big ass Miami jail and gets to know the vest and eyebrow pierced leader of the cell. Turns out this Jay didn’t take to Sean from the start. OH SHITTTT! “His words to me were that he hated me, from the very first moment he heard me sing.” HOLY SHITTTT! At this point I’m expecting revelations of stabbings, overdoses, and the odd serial killing spree perhaps. This was what followed…
JAY: “Look, he’s an 85 year old man, like watching the OAP Olympics.”
BULLYING TO THE MAX!
But it crushed baby Sean to be fair; Sean had a breakdown, and 5ive continued their sick and twisted ways by putting a cardboard cutout of him in their next music video! Sean just needed a father figure, and all he gets is Mean Girls games. Richie even said “It was the best conversations I ever had with Sean as a cardboard cut out, really witty.” HOLD ON, you’re the one in this documentary wearing a baby blue cashmere jumper, acquiring an Australian accent, and reminding me of a cartoon animated history lesson supply teacher. DON’T. GO THERE. WITH SEAN!
It’s okay though, Abz was there to Oprah the situation. “The guys were talkin’ bout breakin’ up, and I was like ‘no i dont wanna’, lets do one more world tour.'” Abz was spiraling out of control at this point, though. “I’d like to eat glass on nights out, and horse tranquilizers that would make the floor wobble.’ I think everyone needs a time out, and that’s what happened.
Like a Jeremy Kyle aftermath episode, we’re then taken on a Cribs tour to see how they’re all doing post-MADNESS. Scott lives in a rustic house where he serves his spiky haired kids posh pizza from the posh aisle of Tesco’s, Abz is enjoying the quiet farm life, I don’t care what Richie is doing, and Sean…he’s playing snooker around Camden. Poor Sean. But wait, hang on, Jay has dropped out of the reunion…this fucks up the calculator basis of 5ive in serious style. That would mean 4 of them…which goes against the grain of 5ive.
Basically The Big Reunion is pretty messed up, and this is even before Kerry Katona’s episode.