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Idiot Features: Royal Christening Photo Revealed as Back of a Manila Envelope

Thursday 31 October 2013
Words Spindle

News from Clarence House as the official photograph of the Christening of Prince George has been revealed. In a surprising twist, it appears to be of the back of a manila envelope.

Royalists, journalists and the Royal press officers alike were left in head-scratching bemusement at what originally appeared to be the Royals’ decision to mark the occasion of Prince George’s Christening by taking a photo of a manila envelope. It was only after intense scrutiny using the kind of equipment usually seen on Law & Order and some fiddling with the exposure on Photoshop, however, that it was found that this was simply a trick of the eye, caused by the vast abundance of beige in the photo that made it difficult for the human eye to alight on anything. This a direct result of Kate coordinating her outfit with Pippa’s, Camilla’s and the subjects on the left-hand-side of the portrait’s teeth.

Pa Middleton’s appearance in the photo immediately vetoed him as the photographer this time round, thus ending his stint as Royal portrait taker at the grand time of once. Sources say he did offer to use the technical wizardry of self-timer, that would enable him to both take and partake in the photo, however the necessity of having someone on hand to brandish toys and puppets behind the scenes in order to get Prince Charles to crack a smile, rendered this impractical. As is, Charles appears to have suffered a stroke moments before the photo was taken, however, no official confirmation from the palace has yet been received to confirm or deny this.

Kate, on the other hand, is said to be secretly pleased at this, as it was at her father’s insistence that the family dog was included in the last one, meaning there was someone else there to vie for the accolade of shiniest hair (that being the primary attraction to Prince William in the first place). This left her terrified Wills may be sufficiently distracted and confused as to mistake which glossy haired mammal had been lovingly and dutifully panting after him, bringing him his slippers each evening in return for a gratifying pat on the head, while still easily managed and restrained by the Royal leash and which was the Middleton family’s pet.

The portrait stands in stark contrast to William’s own Christening picture, as both parents look happy and not the recent victims of an aristocratic mail order bride scheme, where both parties are suffering buyers’ remorse.

Special attention must be paid to the Queen, who leers with the grimace of a woman tempted to kill the photographer with the wave of a hand for asking her to ‘cheer up love’ and say cheese, or indeed, someone who’s been forced to wearing a paisley skirt against her will.

Women’s mags will note Kate’s Pilates toned arms.

Words: Amy Lavelle
Image: Sarah Ferrari