At times a camp extravaganza, with Geri’s minge/thong coming out to play; then there’s the ‘rebellion’, aka Dads who think they’re middle finger rockstars who wear leather jackets from Camden market and stroke a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whilst secretly outweighing it with Diet Cola. By this I’m referring to the likes of The Gallaghers and Robbie Williams, who could quite happily go in the bin with Buble. Bluddy bubbles, forever ruining my Christmas, but at least he’s a temporary seasonal irritation.
Back to The Brits though, love or hate, it’s the trashy and credible mash up that is undoubtedly predictable with its winners, but equally enthralling thanks to a mishap that usually happens every year. A shame that James Corden is yet again presenting; personally I’d recommend Mr Blobby or Trisha Goddard to present, but that’s just me. The nominations are below. Here’s what I think:
British Male Solo Artist
John Newman is a commercial version of a graveyard singer; thinks he’s Spike from Buffy, isn’t East London enough to be in Hurts, and generally just unsettles me. Jake Bugg is a jaunty boy on a guitar that seems out of date for my liking. Tom Odell joined forces with Burberry last year to soundtrack their runway to a stunning result. His fragility is a force to reckon with, but over a slow-burning time I think. James Blake had Mercury success – and we can’t be greedy can we – so looks like Bowie is the one. Hiya Bowie!
British Female Solo Artist
Birdy…I haven’t got time for girls that do songs for adverts; not on my watch. Ellie Goulding has a beautiful folky voice, but I don’t understand her path into electro grounds. And the dresses she wears recently – I love a little sexual expression, but Ellie, too far hun; your suggestion doesn’t marry well with your sound, and leaves me feeling somewhat violated. Intervention rather than award. As for Jessie J, I can’t. So that leaves Laura Marling and Laura Mvula, both of whom I like, but both of whom are underwhelming. In a nutshell, an unimaginative award bracket this year.
Bastille were the alternative commercial hit of last year. Whether you think they ‘sold out’ or not, nothing can be slated when it comes to his voice and catchy know-how. Disclosure and Rudimental tend to come as one in my mind, is that a bad thing? Arctic Monkeys turn me on due to Alex Turner’s hair-do. And One Direction actually do ruddy good acoustic ballads, so maybe I’ll sway with them. But only if they perform this song:
British Breakthrough Act
London Grammar are an edgier version of Florence and the machine. I’ve already spoken about Bastille, Disclosure, Laura Mvula and Tom Odell, so I won’t copy and paste, and instead predict that Bastille will walk away this one. Fingers crossed, a walk like Britney.
International Male Solo Artist
Bruno Mars confuses me. All of his songs are about heaven, the sky, and loving someone so much you want to be close to heaven and the sky. But then he smiles all the time with Colgate teeth. If you’re in such love-pain, why the smile!? And seriously DUDE, the trilby: give it up, you look like a ’70s porno star. But at the same time, despite his cheesy being, I don’t mind him. Drake is my half brother, I love his slow jams. Eminem is out of date, I don’t know who John Grant is and don’t plan on doing my research. And Justin Timberlake is too forced recently. You can’t force a gentleman persona, you have to earn it. But I think he’ll win this one, which maybe confirms his gentleman status? So I’m a little confused about where I’m going with this.
International Female Solo Artist
Janelle Monae sang with Fun. – it was fun for a while. Katy Perry infuriates me. Why the need to theme herself so ludicrously in every performance that has nothing to do with the vibe and meaning behind the song? An Egyptian eagle – oh sure, sounds appropriate. She also struggles to sing well live, and assumes her songs are ‘a new sense of maturity’, but personally she’s still like a teenager on a Toys R Us keyboard, like Ross in Friends. No offence, Ross. Lady Gaga deserves more credit for Artpop. Lorde is still too ‘soon’ to grab an award in my opinion, and Pink…is Pink still a thing? Unfortunately I think K Pezza will annoy me and win this. WHERE’S BRITNEY AT!?
You can find the full exhaustive and exhausting list of nominees at Brits.co.uk. The awards will be presented Wednesday 19th February at 8pm.
Words: Charlie Matthews