Paris and Nicole might reunite in their colourblock cheerleader outfits (complete with matching bandanas), Kerry Katona might rock the horse quiff with added quiffage, Sinitta is poised to turn up with palm tree leaves on her tits, and Gabrielle is probably going to dog everyone up by the bar. I’m sure you’re overwhelmed by the stellar lineup already, but here’s a Q&A with Glyn about the fabulous life:
5 favourite celebrities of last year?
1. Amanda Bynes – She had all the potential of meltdown gold…she could have out Lindsay’d Lindsay, BUT as the wigs got better, she vanished – I hate a bloody intervention!
2. Nigella! It was too obvious she was a demon, have you seen her eat cake? She’s a woman on the edge!
3. Gemma Collins – Splash! More Shamu than Daryl Hannah, but God – what killer shit TV! Gemma bellyflops, she cries. We all clap, we forget, we make tea! The end.
4.Cher – She is in there every year, but the paper wig keeps her firmly relevant. An awful song but a great weave…and I’m sure they say that about me!
5. Rylan – Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth!
5 predicted breakdowns of 2014?
1. Kerry Katona – With each child she loses it some more, this year to coincide with devil child!
2. Dane Bowers – On The Big Reunion his eyes are too close together, never trust that!
4. Lee Ryan……it’s happening already, he’s locked up, for the best.
5. Amanda Bynes…….one can pray!
Will flares, the perm, pearl necklaces and the colour lavender be big this year?
No – but mullets, casual sex at work, shoulder pads and Filofaxes will for certain…!
Mary Mary Shackles or Precious Say It Again?
Shackles obviously, Boy George’s favourite song apparently!
What position will Geri come in The Eurovision?
Last, but the gays will love it. This would be the best thing that could happen if she brings back her inner drag queen, circa Bag It Up. OR…the biggest pile of shiz ever… like that last “song”.
Which Spice Girl would do better?
Baby, if she did something camp like Crickets Sing For Ana Maria or Maybe…camp euro gold, should have been number 1!
Sink The Pink for Eurovision?
Shoots cum, dies!!! It’s a dream Charlie, it really is…tbc!
Who is rumoured to appear on Saturday?
We have kidnapped all of the Saturdays’ children, as we are doing a celebrity treasure hunt…they are the treasure…so they’ll be hidden in boxes around the venue! So they’ll be there!
Jonny Woo as Higella will also be there!!
Who is bannned?
Release you inner loose woman, check yourself in for one night in Paris, become a Kardashian, get yourself a celeb plastic surgery make over, have a Britney meltdown, get botox ready, lose ten pounds, put them back on, lose them again, DIE! Be a bitch, go to Afghanistan and help the troops, adopt a Somalian child, get your lips done, do a kiss and tell, FUCK Harry Styles, be a trashy celeb whore.
BE the CELEBRITY you have always mocked/dreamed of being!
Words: Charlie Matthews