Idiot Feature: Scorned Gwyneth Snaps Back

What a sad time for love this is. Hardly a week goes by without the news of a formerly hot and heavy couple swiftly snuffing out their relationship coming with it. One minute, they’re risking sand in untoward places while they go at it on a Chanel bath towel on some exotic beach; the next, they’re being forced to face up to the very real and sobering calendar of family events that the winter inevitably brings with it, deciding they’re just not up to the challenge and calling time on their summer lovin’. It happens to the best of us; even Danny Zuko and Sandra D waited til the summer came round again before giving things another go.

The latest victim’s of winter’s harsh frost: Rita Ora and Calvin Harris, whose break up came to a head when the latter prevented the former for singing the (tragically ironically titled) song they’d recorded together, I Will Never Let You Down, and then sending her an emoji on Twitter that is effectively 2014’s answer to ‘talk to the hand’. Or maybe it was just a friendly wave, there is NO TONE on the internet, as anyone who’s ever had a fight over MSN can tell you. Emblem of classiness that the man has eternally proved himself to be, bringing the break up to Twitter did somewhat throw shade on to the issue of how one must conduct a break up in 2014. Where once the dumping-by-text was deemed tacky and cowardly, now one former paramour of mine (who didn’t so much tell me it was over as send a group text informing everyone of his leaving do) must be feeling strangely exultant and justified, if not downright chivalrous.

But where one door closes, so opens a window and so we must look at this time not as a series of endings as such, but of new beginnings, taking the silver lining where we can get it. In this case, that Gwyneth Paltrow has now been afforded another opportunity to show us how we’re doing life completely wrong and to lead by example into a more enlightened state, by dealing with her own break up fall out with aplomb. This coming after the news that Chris Martin has recently been dating Jennifer Lawrence (heretofore be known as they anti-Gwynnie).

Apparently, “Chris feels he is dating someone who has everything he’s been missing out on in the past 11 years.” Carbs. What she sees in him, on the other hand, has yet to be confirmed but it seems safe to say that they’re both wildly overcompensating after their recent mutual break outs by going to the complete opposite: he with someone who knows the value of a pot noodle; she with the frontman of Coldplay.

All of this can only mean one thing for his former wife. Come on Gwynnie, get on the selfie! Because if there is one sure fire plan of action when your former beau has moved on with someone who hasn’t got a face like a horse, as we can only wish they do, it is to show him what he’s missing out on through the medium of social media. This usually comes in three stages:

  1. The change of relationship status: either an opportunity to loudly pronounce your single status and passive aggressively ‘like’ every comment from someone saying, ‘Babe you can do so much better’. Or to quickly delete all semblance of those details and quietly castigate yourself for ever being tricked into the smug relationship status update in better, loved up times.
  2. The sometimes-under-the-influence-of-booze updates where you alternatively make snarky comments about how you’re moving on and never orgasmed anyway, post videos of empowered female singers wailing on their own break ups with a ‘so relatable’ caption, or ‘check in’ at every pub, club and restaurant near you to show off your now thriving social life.
  3. Employ evidence of all this through a barrage of photos of you looking hot in shorts having lost about half a stone through sheer break up misery.

It’s the third step that Gwynnie is dutifully leading the way in now, enlisting a group of friends to take to Twitter and the media to extol her many, many virtues, take hawt-yet-modest selfies with (like this one with country singer Holly Williams, where Gwynnie looks both laughingly embarrassed, yet also pops her heel and lifts up the hem or her dress to expose maximum thigh) and post #throwback photos of Gwynnie in happier times, just so everyone knows just how awesome she is. While the degree of this may be beyond the majority of us, we do still have friends who will be there for us through such tough times: posting things on Facebook highlighting how cool and funny we are and dutifully take a torrent of photos in the club loos on a night out whilst we pout hard enough to give ourselves early onset wrinkles, contort ourselves into whatever pose will make our legs look slimmest and dangle our heads to one side as if the weight of them is just too, too great for our delicate, swanlike necks. And perhaps shout things and make cutting remarks if we happen to accidentally run into the ex on said night out.

Then of course there’s the other step Gwynnie’s taken, which is bag herself a hot, hot new love interest of her own.

Gwyneth: once again you have put us all to shame.

Words: Amy Lavelle

Illustration: Allis Mara