Idiot Feature: VMehs

What a bank holiday weekend it’s been for showbiz with our much loved stars of both the pop and television worlds coming forth to receive worldly recognition, as both the VMAs and the Emmys took place.

As we all know, aside from a post-mortem examination of the deserved winners and shamefully unacknowledged, the latter can largely be boiled down to a hit list of the best and worst dressed women and while this correspondent would love to (and easily could) dedicate an entire word count to rapturously enthusing over Christina Hendricks’ appearance in that stunning red dress alone, that is really the lowest of the low journalistic outputs. So let’s move on instead to the real interest of the weekend: the Emmy’s fabulous and trashy second cousin, the VMAs. And while the award show was noticeably tamer this year, largely because Taylor Swift was one of the central performers, it still had its moments.

Here were some of the best ones:

In a blatant win for feminism, Ms Cyrus proved she’s more than just the humanised form of middle aged corporate wanking, bringing the most attractive homeless man she could find to accept her award for her, mastering the deadpan stare with steely aplomb when watching Taylor Swift’s performance and mouthing ‘asshole’ as Ed Sheeran took to the stage. Miley, this is a much, much better look for you.

Jay Z learned the true meaning of the phrase ‘you can’t polish a turd’ (a concept previously lost on him) when his wife and her sisters witnessed the full wrath of a Twitter outrage when caught texting, chatting and generally failing to grasp the concept of class, during the minute’s silence to remember the death of Michael Brown. Hopefully, he at least approved of her outfit, which I expect he picked out for her himself after carefully explaining once again why the lace bodysuit has no place in any sentient being’s wardrobe who isn’t an Eastern European sex worker.

Luckily, Katy Perry was there to bring the biggest fashion don’t of the evening in a full denim get up carefully coordinated with Riff Raff, that was enough of a faux pas when it was originally worn by Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake several years ago. Age has not been kind to it or the rhinestones. Or the medallion belt. Or the matching handbag. Or Riff Raff. Perry’s own night was saved though from being solely remembered as ‘that time my necklace almost killed me’ when Blue Ivy Carter “personally waved” at her, tweeting, “MY LIFE IS OVER.”

While BIC’s mum, Beyoncé, quashed rumours that she’s actually a robot created to shame us all about what’s achievable in the hours of the average working day (no human is that successful at the mere age of 32. THIRTY BLOODY TWO), crying real human tears when handed the Video Vanguard Award by her husband and daughter and failing to short-circuit as a result.

Oh and some awards were handed out but honestly, who can remember those?

Words: Amy Lavelle

Illustration: Ailis Mara