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Idiot Features: Slash Slips It In

Friday 01 August 2014
Words Spindle

What a week it’s been in the world of celeb news. Orlando Bloom has shown himself to be an autobot sent to do the world’s bidding and decked Justin Bieber; Prince Harry posed in a photo with another ginger; and Lauren Goodger, formerly of TOWIE, has become the latest victim of revenge porn, with a seven minute video of her and her ex leaked onto the internet and doing the rounds. Torrid, TORRID affairs.

Really, who can say what was the most shocking piece of gossip of all? It’s been a tough time here at the Idiot Features desk— mainly staffed by moi, where all sordid issues are delicately sifted through in search of the most heinous crime of all— this week, deciding who is the worst offender of them all and thus deserving of our snarky, snarky judgement. But after much contemplation, we feel there is only one story that really deserves its time on these pages and that the only man who can be deemed worthy this week is none other than Guns N’ Roses guitarist, Slash: man of the hour and the most sordid of them all.

This momentous honour has been earned thanks to Slash’s (seriously, completely and totally unwanted) revelations about his sex life in a recent interview, where he admitted to drugging a past girlfriend’s mum so he could have sex with her (the girlfriend, not the mum: cannot stress this enough) in peace when he was 14. Oh Slash, may you one day learn the true meaning of the acronym, TMI. Let’s all take a moment to digest that one for a minute. In fact, let’s not!

In what read like a back issue of Cosmo from the late 90’s, Slash went on to issue other wise words on the human condition and our mating rituals, decreeing it was only natural for people to want to watch when a couple is getting it on in public—he himself would be inclined to finish, in such a situation in fact, regardless of the onlookers. The only thing that could spoil his groove would be the chance of an arrest, in which case, he’d “zip up and get the fuck out of there.” In fact, he went so far as to say that, “there’s no ridiculous place to have sex if you can get away with it,” thereby decreeing the future motto by which all drunk frat boys must perform. Ignoring for one second the ‘rapey’ overtones of that message, there is also the fact that this is a blatant untruth that many of the members of Team Spindle alone could heartily dispute. No spoilers, but the list includes disabled toilets and washing machines. Silly, SILLY places. But let’s move on.

The only question left is whether we will now be treated to an exposé from either the former girlfriend or her mum.  For the love of all that is holy, let’s hope not.

Words: Amy Lavelle