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Idiot Feature: Beyoncé Baby Bombshell

Wednesday 17 September 2014

What a choice thing timing is. Or at least, it is when you have a team of publicists, PRs and advisors pointing out that weathering a leaked video of your sister wailing on your husband in a lift at the Met Gala and rumours of a marriage breakdown all within the space of a year is exactly the kind of bad press that could render cracks in a veneer usually more polished and impenetrable than Tom Cruise’s own set.

Yes, you’ve proved you suffer from the exact same problems as the common folk and that you’re more than just an ice queen diva programmed to spout the good word Beyoncé whether your former band mates are tearily voicing their abandonment issues, or your weave is gradually being decimated by the fan it’s currently caught in. (Situations expertly dealt by cutting your hair short for 10 minutes and inspiring a whole new global beauty trend. Not to mention proving to both Kelly Rowland and the greater public in one fell swoop that you may be forgiven for being distracted by some of the pressing issues in your own life and marriage and simultaneously upstaging her by doing so on stage in a veil). But now we’re all back on Team Bey, it’s time to seal the deal in the manner of Melrose Place by locking us in with a pregnancy, announcing the arrival of baby number two.

Jay Z seems to be fully on board with the plan, hinting that this is the very case with a not-so-cryptic lyric change (and how else are we meant to translate “’Cause she’s pregnant with another one”, hmm Jay?).

Granted, an allegedly altered lyric—until we have audio verification, we have no solid evidence— is little to go on at this stage and by that logic, what kind of expectant parent would announce their happy news in such a manner anyway? Or for that matter, get pregnant in the first place in what is, in effect, a glossier version of a PR stunt? But to all those naysayers out there, may I remind you that this is the Zs we’re talking about. The very same couple who have masterfully manipulated their happy occasions to their own benefit in the past, announcing the news of their first pregnancy at the VMAs and more recently, rolling out Blue Ivy at those very same awards so that they may pose a united family front and quash all rumours of disharmony in their famously united clan. At any rate, if anyone knows the power of a pregnancy to put all other unwelcome headlines out of circulation, it’s the Zs.

Only time will tell if Bey will once again be employing a parade of prosthetic bellies but needless to say, after last time’s unfortunate deflation issues, belly watch begins now.

Words: Amy Lavelle

Illustration: Ailis Mara