Idiot Feature: Kate Mids Pregnancy

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the world’s become a rather depressing place, recently. The constant threat of Isis hangs over our heads, Scotland might be dumping us at any second and I’ve just come back from holiday with a mosquito bite on my elbow so large, it looks like a nipple, so naturally everything looks as bleak as can be right now.

Thank God for the Royals, who have once again come to the aid of the nation and provided us all something warm and fuzzy to concentrate on, taking our minds of our generally acknowledged impending doom, with the news of another Royal pregnancy!

Just over a year after the birth of their first born son and heir to the thrown, Kate is once again with child and so the nation rejoices. Finally: the media has something else to focus on while all other, inconveniently unhappy news, may get swept to one side. As well as a general public morale boost, the economy can expect a similar boom, as tourists flock to London hoping to get a glimpse of the Royal Baby Bump, Kate and Wills merch is snapped off the shelves and women everywhere attempt to get Kate’s own mixture of designer and high street maternity wardrobe for themselves.

In lieu of any actual news and with nine whole months of headlines to fill, random women the world over who may have at one point in their pregnancy have experienced similar symptoms to that of K-Mids can now expect to be brought forward to offer their expert opinions and insider knowledge on the subject. Sky News (the veritable pillar of journalistic standards that so well set the bar on royal birthing reporting following Prince George’s arrival, delivering such sound bites as ‘that’s what women look like directly after giving birth’, when Kate failed to emerge with her typically concave stomach, but sporting an expert blow dry), has started us off with aplomb. A seemingly random pregnant woman has already been dragged off the street to hold forth on the morning news, living up to the sole criteria of ‘with full womb’. And they’ve already managed to kick-start the Kate body shaming, even without the question of the post baby weight diet, by asking, ‘Is Kate getting morning sickness because she’s so thin?’

Should editors need any more ideas about filler, they may look to Kim Kardashian, who conveniently provided a comparative point of reference to Kate the last time round with her own ‘battle with the post baby weight bulge’ and the non-existent race between the two women to lose it. How could Kate’s pregnancy be seen by either Kim, Kanye or the ever present Kardashian matriarch, Kris, as anything other than the perfect time for Kim to announce her own second pregnancy, thus securing her share of the headlines?

Reports from GQ Awards of Kimye disappearing for minutes on end in a disabled loo initially seem to confirm that attempts at least are firmly underway. Eye witnesses report the pair emerging looking ‘flustered’, with some speculation of what they could have possibly been up to: some suggesting it could have been a fight while the more prurient of mind coming to their own conclusions.

However, seeing as by all accounts they were only in there for five minutes at best, this seems to do some discredit to Kanye. Instead, the real reason for this dalliance seems obvious, as anyone who’s ever worn form fitting pleather and knocked back one too many G&Ts will be able to tell you. Without having been anywhere near the event or port-a-loo in question at the time, and only really having skimmed the uppermost headlines on my Google search results, I can definitively relate the true sequence of events and what really went down.

Kim: I need to go to the toilet but it’s almost time for my Woman of the Year award!

Kanye: *Takes selfies* *Tweets #GQAwards* *Mentally compares self to Jesus and second coming*

Kim: Babe, you know it takes two people and a shoehorn to get me in and out of this corset. You’re going to have to help me.

Kanye: *Without looking up from phone* Where’s your mum? If she can direct your sex tape, she can help you pee.

Kim: *Muses* If Madonna flashed a pee stain, maybe it’s still cool?

Kanye: *Looks panicked at thought of being shunned by Anna Wintour* Fine! But you better have brought the lube…

As we all know, there are few things less erotic than the sight of someone we formerly wanted to sleep with squeezing into the equivalent of leather Spanx and a little bit of wayward pee, so we may be waiting a while yet for Kimye’s own second coming. Fear not though, editors of the UK, I hear there’s been a threesome involving White Dee and Lauren Goodger in the CBB house. You may still have your people’s baby yet!

Words: Amy Lavelle

Illustration: Ailis Mara