Idiot Feature: Justin and Jen to be Wed

RING THE BELLS! RING. THOSE. BELLS. Jennifer Anniston, perpetual spinster and she of the eternally empty womb, is finally getting married, spurred on by the recent respective weddings of George Clooney and Brad Pitt —for those that need a refresher: the latter, the man she divorced almost 10 years ago, who has spent the ensuing 10 years raising a family with his now wife, Angelina Jolie. This appears to have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, or Poor Jen’s willpower in resisting the race (LOL, race! If it was, she’d have lost) down the aisle.

And though ‘Jen to be Wed’ headlines come with all the regularity and authenticity of doomsday cults forecasting the nigh end, this latest rumour comes after a series of editorials speculating about Jen’s reaction to the news of Brad’s secret nuptials—look! There she is with a drink in her hand! At the end of a tough week—and what woman, in her right mind, can suffer through watching her ex moving on before she has been seen to publicly do so? Why, it was only 16 years ago that Jen played out a very similar theme in an episode of Friends; if anyone understands this hard-hitting universal truth, it’s Jen. Or Rachel. Or the writers behind season four of Friends.

At any rate, Jen must now save face and is doing so with all the cloying romance of a Disney film, reportedly due to tie the knot in a ‘quickie beach ceremony’.

But, wait, conflicting reports say that Theroux—Jen’s fiancé, if you’re really struggling to keep up, here—is denying claims of nuptials, ‘refusing’—REFUSING—to ‘bow to pressure’ or ‘make decisions’ under the pressure of other people’s demands. WHAT? Does he not understand showbiz? Or the public shame of your ex moving on before you even if you have sent flowers with a nicely penned card showing the world and your ex you don’t care and hello that was almost 10 years ago and you’ve been engaged for the past two anyway and besides you’re one of the hottest and highest paid actresses on the planets and fish and bicycle metaphors?! Good God, man!

Could this mean Poor Jen’s been jilted again?

Words: Amy Lavelle
Image: Ailis Mara