Idiot Feature: New Year New Me

“New Year new me”. Oh the amount of times I’ve heard that sentenced uttered on New Years day. Sometimes sarcastically, but more often that not with complete sincerity. I understand that this topic of convo could be a tad deep considering the majority of people will still be nursing the “I think I’m still drunk” stage of the New Year’s Day hangover… But it’s a necessary topic.

It seems the 1st of Jan is the day, and the only day of the entire year, you can make promises to yourself that you’re just bound to break. “Oh yeah, this year I really want to start meditating everyday and after meditating I’ll have a freshly made juice that I’ll make from scratch. Every. Single. Day. Plus I’m going to do some volunteer work too”. I’m sorry but that is bullpoo. In the New Years resolution world, where you become the 2015 version of a juice-drinking Mother Teresa, it is very different to the reality where it’ll just emphasise the terrible person you are when it’s a week into January and you haven’t started a single one.

Moving on to an even more unrealistic resolution; those who sign up to a yearly gym membership in the first week on January and only use it for that first week of January. Now I’ll give recognition where it is due, this is a generalisation. If you sign up to that yearly gym and actually attend, I take my metaphorical hat off to you and I’m sure I’ll be the green monster on the beach in July when I question why I used my treadmill as a clothes horse rather than its intended purpose.

What makes this entire situation worse is when people put their resolutions on social media. No no no. What are you doing? Now everyone else knows your New Years resolutions and now everyone is going to judge you when your resolution is saying “I want to lose three pounds” and the picture you just uploaded is saying “feast for one” including one tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a sharing size bar of chocolate and a bag of crisps so big you could fit two hands in. Rookie error.

I enjoy setting myself really mediocre yet achievable goals, I mean, who could possibly not achieve a “go to work most days of the year” resolution? Or “maybe get a boyfriend in 2015”. The key to these resolutions is to use allusive words such as ‘perhaps’ and ‘hopefully’ or even ‘possibly’. Then if you fail, all is well, you only ‘hoped’ to get a beach body this year, you only were going to ‘perhaps’ try and get a promotion.

If you’re looking for a New Years Resolution that you can keep, make it this… Don’t order a take away on New Years Day. Every other person nursing a tequila-induced hangover also wants to nurse that pizza. Prepare for a long and painful wait that will make you question everything you ever thought was right with the world.

On that note, I wish you a very happy New Year and I hope your 2015 is double as good as your 2014.