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Idiot Feature: Lauren’s Latest Leak

Tuesday 07 October 2014

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Words Darren Skene

A moment of sympathy for Lauren Goodger: former TOWIE star and forgotten victim of the latest nude celeb photo releases (albeit, not a name counted amongst the A-list Cloud hacked). 

You’ve got to love Lauren, if only to make up for the complete lack of basic self-love and respect she demonstrates on a bi-weekly basis. Sadly, it it all seems to have gone downhill for her since she broke up with ex, Mark Wright, and left TOWIE. Now contenting herself by making constant passive aggressive pops at Wright and his new fiancé, Michelle Keegan, via social media (all the while loudly and emphatically claiming she’s entirely over him); posing on beaches in highly questionable swimwear that will alternately stimulate ‘curve flaunting’ or ‘OH CHRIST IT’S CELLULITE’ headlines from the Daily Mail; and appearing on CBB and letting slip a nip. Mainly though, it’s the pops at her ex thing on Twitter.

But things really came to a head recently when a six second sex tape of Goodger and her ex, Jake McLean, was released into the public eye, to Goodger’s (obvious) utter mortification. To add insult to injury, McLean has since proven his eligibility as the UK’s hottest bachelor, by posting revealing photos of Lauren, calling her the “biggest let down I no [sic]” and a #tramp. Now Lauren has taken to her New! magazine column to voice her deep-seated concerns that there may be more from her ex to come, writing: “It does worry me that he could post more photos and I can’t control it.

“For him to act the way he has, he must still have feelings for me.”

And here we finally get to the heart of the issue: these are just men misunderstood! Undone by their utter love for the subject they’re exposing— I mean, showcasing to the world. You can just imagine their true inner thoughts every time they hack into a private account and post an image, or threaten to do so to some other female celebrity who dares to be in the limelight.

Look! Here are these women whom I love and who will never love me (especially after this little exploit) but that’s okay, because it’s enough for me to show off their beauty to the world, leaking photos of them posing for people they actually love. Obviously, any celebrity (or otherwise) willing to pose for a racy shot or two does so in the knowledge that they may—nay even probably will—be leaked at some point and thrust into the public sphere. The mere snap of the camera can be taken as a form of consent these days. This is in no way misogyny, oh no! It’s an overwhelming expression of love.

It is this that dear Lauren seems to have taken to heart. And so if another private image of her gets leaked to the world that she took in the implicit trust that it was to be kept between her and the man she took it for, well, at least she’ll know it was leaked with love in his heart.

Lauren, a word…